I feel a little awkward sharing this post, because many of you sponsor our mission and I don't want you to think that we are not incredibly grateful for the opportunity to serve here! I just wanted to let you know how I am feeling... missions work is not a walk in the park. It's more like running blindfolded through a jungle! And some days are hard.
This is a very honest post that I wrote about a week ago, but I am just now sharing. Hope you get something out of it!
I had this dream a few nights ago that one of my close friends had a new baby but it was very deformed, so she kept it but locked it upstairs and only fed it, just like the bare minimum to survive. She said it wasn't the child she was supposed to have, it wasn't perfect, so she would raise it, but she didn't consider it "hers". The baby's name was Brunden in the dream. I thought it was a weird name, but I knew that this baby deserved more than this life. Then I woke up.
Here is what John and I interpret: the BURDEN that God has given us, to come here and work with these kids, hasn't exactly turned out like we thought. We labored and toiled and waited a long time to get to this place, and now, honestly, I am kind of disappointed in the result. It's not perfect. There are things I don't like. (Mainly, living in a fish bowl and being so far from family). Please understand, we LOVE these kids so much! I think I just pictured all of the details to be. . . Flawless! So now I am here, doing what needs to be done each day, but not fully embracing our life here.
Whew!! Talk about a kick in the pants! This is the dream God has given me, entrusted me with, and I am treating it like this? I am complaining about the things I miss in America, worrying about if my kids are going to be adversely affected by their surroundings, and secretly counting the days until I get to see my parents again.
So, things will be changing. I will be THANKFUL for the new adventures God has given to our family. I won't forget how BLESSED we are to carry this burden! And I will try really hard not to miss home so much :)
kelli! i just wrote you a very long post in response to this, and when i submitted it, it got lost. i take that as the devil trying to discourage me from lifting you up, so i am definitely going to do my best to recreate what i said before.
ReplyDeleteanyway, i wanted to tell you that i really relate to a lot of the things you said. fostering/adoption has been my ministry/calling/passion for the last 6 years. i started out with every intention of loving these kids, and sending them home to a healed family, where they would be safe and happy. or if not, adopting them into our family. i wanted to adopt so many kids, and so far i've only managed it once. what happens most of the time? the kids get sent back home and nothing has really changed, they are in as much danger or even more danger than before. or we get told we can adopt, and they rip the kids away from us after years in our family for some racist or otherwise unfair reason. or they go to a relative that i wouldn't even entrust a dog to. most of the time i am very overwhelmed by "living in the fishbowl" (i use that phrase all the time too!). social workers are in my house all the time, judging our family and our parenting ability and making ridiculous demands on us. most of the time it doesn't feel like we've done a bit of good. but i know that each and every child we've cared for carries a piece of us around with them, and nothing can ever change that. we've shown them another way of life. we've shown them that they matter, and helped them to get to know God. our love has changed them for the better, no matter where they end up. sometimes when you are knee-deep in a situation, you can't see how God is working around and through you, but He is. we have made an incredible sacrifice to our family- one i didn't even begin to understand when i went to get licensed as a foster parent. we have had to rely on God in a way we could never have imagined before. we have had to trust, even when our hearts were breaking, even when the situation was terrible. i would be so sure God would step in any minute and save the day, and i had to keep on believing, even when that didn't happen. i had to know that God loves those kids even more than i do, when i couldn't understand at all why i had to sit back and watch them get hurt. but i do think we learned to be more compassionate, we learned the importance of family. we learned to speak out when we need to, and not be intimidated. we have grown a lot, and i believe our children will be more compassionate people in the end. we have kept on, even when we wanted to quit. and throughout everything, God did provide for us and protected us when we were afraid. we experienced for ourselves "the peace that passes understanding" and the truth is, no one really wants to know what that means, because you have to be hurt unimaginably to truly know.
as far as the homesickness, from what i have heard, it is very normal and common for missionaries to go through this after they have been abroad for several months. it will pass. just keep on keeping on. God will bless you for it. you will remain in my prayers, and i am incredibly proud of you, cousin. i don't think anything you said here is wrong, or something to be ashamed of. this is the truth of your experience, but i know that God IS working, and it may be years, or you may not ever fully understand everything you are going through in this life. but just trust that it's all part of His plan and nothing you are doing is wasted. love you guys. keep on blogging.
Kelli,
ReplyDeleteYou sent us an email about 2 months ago and I wrote you back but you never replied. Are you able to get to a computer very often?
Please don't give up the hard work. We remember your family often and have your family picture hanging on our hallway wall.
Don't think about all those things you fear, miss, etc. Just be glad to be where you are. God is faithful. Be patient.
It's funny how God used similar things to give us a "swift kick in the pants!" My attitude there was changed by a God-dream too
ReplyDelete:)